i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
