...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
