Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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