So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
