I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
