I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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