my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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