There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
