12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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