Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
