She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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