I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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