I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
