After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
