I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
