I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
