we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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