respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
