you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
