There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
