Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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