Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
This is the high leading the old right now
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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