i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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