Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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