does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
