So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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