Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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