Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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