drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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