I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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