I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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