a queef is a wish your heart makes.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
