I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
