It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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