I just made out with a guy for $7.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
