I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
