Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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