onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
