i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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