Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
