I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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