nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
