I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
