i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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