please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
