I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
