Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
