can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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