when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
