I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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