that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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