uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
pray to the hookup gods
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
